Why Fiction Should Stay Fiction
by HaveFunWithThat
Summary: What happens when Harry casts a spell to meet Legolas? Weird fictional characters (hot ones, I would like to add) start popping up all over the school. It's not exactly a crossover. Rated PG-13 just in case, and some 'colorful' language, but NO SLASH EVER
1. Legolas

Disclaimer- Nope. Don't own any of the characters in this story, except me, Laura.  
  
Why Fiction Should Stay Fiction  
  
Harry, a desperately sexy 16 yr old who (insert history of HP which you undoubtedly know or you wouldn't be reading HP fan fiction) was, at this moment, trying to see if he could stop thinking about polar bears. This was nearly impossible, as he was thinking "Stop thinking about polar bears," therefore causing him to think about polar bears. After he realized how stupid this activity was, he closed his eyes and pressed on his eyelids for an interesting light show. Obviously, this ended up in him getting a headache, therefore making him panic, sure his scar hurt and that he must alert Dumbledore ASAP. But then, seeing how he has ADD, he forgot and chose to wander into Dudley's room and put jelly in his exceptionally large boxers.  
  
Realizing that he had no jelly, he instead decided to grab some unread books off of Dudley's bookshelf and went back to his room. He opened the first book "The Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Rings" and began to read.  
  
He read and reread the trilogy over and over for the rest of the summer, picking up on more foreshadowing-not realizing that his own author has mentioned beetles in his fourth year every time he and his friends fumed over the witch(and I don't mean a female wizard) Rita Skeeter after reading one of her articles. But anyway, he finished 'The Return of the King' for the seventh time as he walked up to his dormitory. He ignored Ron, who was growing ever more attracted to Hermione as he damn well should and lie quietly on his bed.  
  
Damn, I really want to meet Legolas! He sounds so hot! He thought, a tear falling down his cheek.  
  
Wait a minute! Some freak part of him realized You're a wizard! There must be some sort of spell to make him come to life.  
  
So he jumped out of bed, put on his trust Invisibility cloak, and ran towards the library. He miraculously found the right spell in the first book-aren't my controlling powers as an author great?- and immediately read it aloud.  
  
'Fiction though you may be, I command you to come to me. I summon (insert name) now!' Harry waited. Nothing happened. "Oh" he said to himself and said the verse again, this time adding the right name.  
  
"Fiction though you may be, I command you to come to me. I summon-" at this unfortunate time, Harry forgot what the name of his hot character was so he just said "Hot book character to me!"  
  
Once again, nothing happened. Harry just realized his exhaustion, which was a good thing, seeing as the author is getting sick of this scene, and trudged upstairs and fell asleep.   
  
Harry was awakened by a screaming somewhere nearby.  
  
"Get the hell off of me, you pervert!" a girl, unmistakably Ginny, yelled once again.  
  
Harry, who I have just informed, is supposed to be falling for Ginny, jumped out of his bed and ran downstairs and yelled just as loudly.  
  
"Legolas?" the tall elf turned and smiled. "And who the hell are you?" he asked formally.  
  
"Harry. Uh, Harry...Potter! Yeah, that's it." (It worries me that a classmate of mine asked me 'Does Harry Potter have one or two T's?' today)  
  
The elf smiled once more. "I'm Legolas. Now, if you will excuse you, I must rescue this young maiden, who was just screaming that some guy was on her. Well, you and I are the only other guys here, so I guess I'll be attacking you."  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes-no one around her seemed to have a brain except her twin brothers, who have tragically left the school- and yelled "Get off of Harry! You're the one who was molesting me, dumbass."  
  
"Oh. Well, alright then." Legolas took out his dagger, unsheathed it, and stuck it in himself.  
  
"Happy to save you." He said, smiling, and flashed his dazzling smile once more before dying.  
  
"Wait a minute, aren't elves immortal?" some unknown smart person asked. 


	2. Prince Eric

"Actually," Harry said, "Elves can be slain. But don't listen to that damn line from the movie, they don't die of broken hearts."  
"Movie?" Ginny asked in an annoyed tone, still pissed from Legolas' strange attack.  
"It's a Muggle thing. But how are we going to get rid of this body?" Harry wondered aloud, and turned to look at the body. But it wasn't there!  
"Where did it go?" He screamed, bewildered. Ginny looked.  
"Holy crap, he's gone!"  
"Who's gone?" a deep voice said from behind them. Ginny looked over Harry's shoulder, only to have her eyes bug out like a pig on crack. Harry, bewildered, turned around to see what was freaking the crap out of Ginny.  
In the midst of all of the very real, 3D Gryffindor common room stood an animation. He was tall, with dark hair and bright eyes, which now looked confused and scared.  
"Bloody hell! You've got to be kidding me! Eric?" Harry yelled. The animated man straightened up and eyed Harry.  
"That's Prince Eric to you, boy. How do you know my name? This doesn't look like my kingdom. Where's Ariel?"  
"You've got to be joking," Harry muttered, collapsing onto a conveniently placed red sofa. "How did The Little Mermaid come to life?"  
"The little what?" Ginny asked, not taking her oversized eyes off of the image in front of her.  
"It's a Muggle mov- story about a mermaid who falls in love with a human prince and eventually turns into a human girl to marry him. It's completely inaccurate." Eric leaped over to Harry and tried to seize his collar. Harry briefly thought about how it was quite odd to have an animation holding your collar.  
"ARE YOU SAYING MY LIFE IS INACCURATE?" Eric bellowed. "ARIEL AND I HAVE A VERY REAL LOVE. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER." A few students started to drift down to the common room, and froze when they saw Eric. Harry froze as well when Eric released him and music started playing from nowhere. Eric started to dance, and to the students' horror, everyone in the room seemed to be pulled by some magical force to dance along with him. Eric began to sing.  
Oh Ariel, where are you?  
We were living happily ever  
In our castle bright and new  
It was supposed to last forever.  
  
But somehow I have been kidnapped  
By some angry and evil foe.  
And now I am longing for a lapdance(A/N: Sorry, I had to add that-no rhymes)  
By some hot ho.  
  
The song ended, and the students all collapsed, save Hermione and Harry.  
Harry roared in between gasps, "WHY-DID-WE START-TO DANCE. AND SING? WHERE-DID THE MUSIC- COME FROM?"  
"It's all very simple, Harry. Eric is from a Disney movie, where nothing is logical or probable." The students all gasped in understanding.  
"So how the bloody Hell are we supposed to get him out of here?"  
"Well, I'll badger you on this later, but how did the 'last' one leave?"  
"Well, he, er, died. Killed himself?" Hermione looked quite exasperated.  
"Well, how about I kill this one? I need to get rid of some stress." She glared at Harry, knowing that if she ever went out with him the world would end, because that would just be nasty and incest. She reached into her bag and pulled out a large eraser. Advancing towards the animated Prince, she used a stunning spell. She then began to erase him. White was left behind, showing that he was not completely gone. Harry noted that she seemed particularly happy when she smashed around at his crotch. When the last pinky toe was erased, the white all vanished.  
"Okay," Hermione said with a pant, "Two down, how many more to go?" 


	3. Ella

Disclaimer (I always forget these): Nope, don't own any of these characters except myself. Unless the world is just the dream of some person with a seriously sick mind and I don't even own myself! Mwahahaha... A/N: Thanks go to Bumblez, Onsmi, and Oof. Good to know that not everyone doesn't have any sense of humor! Now on with my effed-up story...  
  
Harry stuttered a little. "Um, er, I, um, don't, er...know?"  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?" Hermione roared.  
"Yeah!" Ron joined in, taking Hermione's side as usual.  
"I cast a spell to make Legolas come to life-he's a character in a Muggle book- and I forgot what his name was so I just said 'hot book character.'"  
"And WHY did you want to meet Legolas?" Harry muttered something inaudible under his breath.  
"Speak up, Potter." Hermione growled.  
"Be- BECAUSE I THOUGH HE SOUNDED HOT. AND HE WAS TOTALLY SMOKIN', OKAY?"  
Ron stepped back, horrified. "Harry, are you...um..." Ron broke off.  
"Gay? No, I'm not gay. I just find both genders to be equally appealing, okay?"  
"That means you're bisexual, Harry."  
It was like a light had been turned on in Harry's head. The sun came up, the candle burned, the dawn broke. "So THAT'S why I've been having dreams involving Ginny, Ron and I all at once!" He yelled joyously. The entire Common Room turned and stared at him, mouths open.  
"Just, um, kidding." Harry shrugged.  
A bubbly laugh echoed behind him. "While I do enjoy a good laugh, that's not something to joke about, my good man."  
The entire Gryffindor population turned to see a brown-haired maiden wearing a deep green velvet gown with a light gold crown on her head.  
"Oh no, not another one. They're just going to keep coming until the author gets bored, aren't they?" Hermione muttered.  
"Damn right." I yelled into the room.  
"So who is this latest hot book character?" Ron asked, entranced by the young woman's beauty.  
"Queen Ella, er, Eleanor of Kyrria is at your service." The queen said, curtsying slightly.  
"A QUEEN?" Ginny whispered.  
"Yes, but unless I am mistaken, I do not believe that I am in Kyrria right now, am I?" Ella said sweetly, smiling a very charming smile.  
"No this is Britain." Neville said. "I think." He added, stammering.  
"I don't know where that is. How can I get home?"  
"Well," Harry said sadly, "The last two people who randomly showed up disappeared when they died."  
"DIED?" Ella yelled, horrified. The looks on the students' faces confirmed her fear. "I've got a better idea. Lucinda, come to my aid."  
Before anyone could figure out what she was saying, a slim woman in a lilac-colored gown appeared beside Ella.  
"What troubles you, my dear?" she said in a voice that reminded students of falling water.  
"I'm stuck in this weird 'Britain' place. Apparently the only way I can get home is by dying."  
"Well, let's get on with it then."  
"What? You really think it'll work. How do you know I'll go all the way home?"  
"Because I'll kill you myself."  
"WHAT? That's insa-" Ella's outburst was cut short by a wave of Lucinda's hand, and fell over gracefully. A moment later, her body disappeared.  
"Adios, my dears." The fairy named Lucinda called, and disappeared herself.  
"So," Ginny breathed, completely confused by the random scene that had just played out before her, "Who the hell were they?" 


	4. Fleur

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter...blah blah blah...no profit being made...blah blah blah...  
  
"It was Ella from Ella Enchanted; it's a Muggle novel I read. Quite good, actually." Hermione said matter-of-factly. "But that still doesn't solve our problem. How do we get rid of this spell? Is there a counter-spell, Harry?"  
"I er, don't know, actually. Since the author made me find the spell on the first page of the first book I looked in, I didn't see anything else."  
"Well, what book was it?" Lavender cried.  
"I don't quite remember. That author, in order to make the story more interesting, made me forget what book, what it looked like, and where I found it, etc." Harry mumbled.  
"Damn right!" I yelled.  
"So how are we supposed to get rid of these?" Colin whimpered, wondering when Dennis would get back from one of his late-night visits to the lake.  
"I don't recognize this spell," Hermione sighed, "I guess we'll have to start poring over the books in the Library, though I doubt the author will let us find it. Maybe we'll just have to keep killing the people who pop up until the spell runs its course. But of course, new books are being written all the time, it might never end. Like how the population of China would never be able to walk past you in a single file line because of the high rate of birth."  
"Zat must be because of ze high rate of sluttiness." A light voice with a French accent said from. The students were surprised to see Fleur Delacour in their midst!  
"Vy am I here? Vere am I?" she demanded.  
"Author, could you get rid of that damn accent?" Ginny asked.  
"Damn right I will!" I yelled.  
"Ginny, don't curse." Hermione said. "Ronnie, you're putting a bad influence on your sister. Ron? RON!" But all the boys were staring at the girl now, entranced. Ginny looked at her brother.  
"Ron! You don't like Fleur! You're SUPPOSED to be falling for Hermione! And Harry, you're supposed to like me, you prat.  
"Yeah!" Lavender added, "Seamus, we've been dating for two years! Her face is NOT that low! Fleur, how can you put up with these boys being so rude to you?" But Fleur was to busy getting a tan from light she was basking in from all of the guys' attention. coughcoughRelient K referencecoughcough  
"FLEUR! STOP WITH THE VEELA HOTNESS!" Hermione yelled, angry at Fleur for taking away her Ronniekins. In her anger, she slipped her shoe off and threw it at Fleur, but hit Colin instead.  
"Hey!" he whined, "You could have hit her Highness!"  
"That was the point, you git." Inny retorted, taking her own shoe off and taking careful aim at Fleur's head. Unfortunately, Harry saw her arm go back to throw, and leaped in front of the shoe to protect Fleur. The shoe hit him square between the eyes, and he collapsed.  
"Oh no! Harry, what have I done?" she cried, dropping at his feet.  
"Oy Billiekins, where are you?" Fleur sang, trying to find her latest male friend. This young man with the red hair must be his brother.  
"Little boy, could you get your older brother for me?" Fleur asked.  
"If it pleases you, I could, er, 'scratch your itch' for you instead of trying to find ol' Bill." Ron smirked seductively. Instantly, her face changed, and she became angry.  
"HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME?" she roared, turning suddenly ugly. The spell cast over the boys broke, and they all looked startled.  
"Quick, boys, we have to kill her so the spell can run its course." Parvati cried.  
"Kill me?" Fleur cried incredulously.  
"Well, you know Hermione, what if we just kept Fleur, then we'd have her and it'd be fine..." Ron suggested, still remembering the quite hot Fleur, though she was ugly now. Hermione sent him a look of death.  
"Um, nevermind." Ron said meekly. Meanwhile, the students had all taking off their shoes and were aiming them at Fleur's head.  
"Okay everyone," Ginny cried over the still unconscious Harry, "ON the count of three. One...two...three!"  
Shoes flew form all directions at Fleur, who was instantly killed, because the author can't think of something better for this chapter.  
"Wait a minute!" Hermione shrieked as Fleur's body disappeared.  
"What?" Harry asked, awoken by a stream of ice water from Ginny's wand.  
"You said you were bringing hot BOOK characters to life, right?" Harry nodded.  
"Then what book is Fleur from?"  
The students looked at each other nervously...were THEY even real? 


	5. The Dread PirateWestley?

Disclaimer-If this was an original piece, than WHY would it be on a Fan Fiction site?  
  
"Harry," Ginny asked nervously, "Are we in a-"  
Fortunately, Harry's ADD kicked in right about now, therefore saving the author from loss of a story after some 'awkward' explanations.  
"OH BOY, FIRE!" he exclaimed, and ran over to the hearth to stare into the flames. He quickly leapt back as his chin implants began to melt. The entire Gryffindor Common Room all rolled their eyes collectively. Was this imbecile really a hero?  
"You know, boy, you should really consider a career in piracy." A lighthearted voice suggested from behind them once again. As usual, the entire Gryffindor house turned their heads (their necks were really getting tired) to see a man clothed in black; black 'breeches', a loose black shirt, and a black mask to cover his eyes. But what fascinated the students was the delicate sword hanging from his belt.  
"Wow," Ron breathed, completely entranced by the sword. "Can you, like, fight with that?"  
"Quite possibly. It depends on if there's an enemy. Are any of you my enemies?" the mysterious man asked in a crisp English accent. "Oh, no." Katie Bell giggled, trying to recall a spell that would unbutton buttons on a shirt, "We're definitely not your enemies." "Well then." The man inquired politely, not wasting a bit of time, "Why the bloody hell am I here?" Hermione herself suppressed a giggle and pointed to her wand-happy friend. "Harry cast some spell to make hot book characters come to life." "Hot?" he asked. "Actually, I feel quite cool at the moment..." "Oh no, you're definitely hot." Angelina stated, a blush rising into her cheeks. "Who's the man in black?" a high voice came from the portrait hole. Everyone turned once more to see Dennis in the doorway, dripping wet. They all turned back to the man in black, wanting an answer. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts, also called Westley. Don't ask." He said cheerily. "Now, can anyone tell me where I might be?" "You're at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." Ginny said matter- of-factly. "I wouldn't mind having you stick around for a while." From the giggles and nods of the girls, they seemed to agree. But not everyone agreed. "But Hermione," Ron whined, "I'm so pathetic without you. I'll fail all my classes, and be all lonely, and..." he then lost track of what he was saying. "So?" Hermione scoffed. "If I can stare at this can of hot stuff all day, who cares about you failing classes?" "My mum?" he guessed. "She'll...she'll...she'll stop sending you Easter eggs!" Hermione rolled her eyes. "And how will I ever live without them?" she cynicized. Harry thought fast. He needed to find some way to get Hermione to remember that they needed to kill this, Pirate Westley character. "Hermione, if you don't help us kill this guy, Ron will whine at you constantly!" At this, Hermione's eyes widened, and the girls let themselves be interrupted from gazing at the man to gasp. Would he really use such a dirty tactic? Hermione took one last longing gaze at the now very confused man, who was pulling out his sword, and sighed. "Fine. Better him than me." "Yay!" squealed Dean and Seamus with a hug. "Now let's get killing!" "Wait, are you going to kill me?" Westley-or whatever his name was-asked.  
Harry nodded. "We kind of have to." He said, trying in vain to sound comforting. Ironically, Farmboy smiled.  
"Why are you happy?" Lavender asked. "I mean, this certainly makes our job easier, but-"  
"Well, my dear" Farmboy interrupted. "Death cannot separate me from my dear Buttercup."  
"Buttercup?" she squealed. "You love someone with the name of a plant? Then you will definitely love me, too! I won't let any of you harm him!" To prove her point, she grabbed his sword and stood in front of him. Hermione, on the other hand, was not going to let Farmboy live.  
"Hey, wait a minute. Since when is his name Farmboy?" Neville asked.  
"Since I said so." I replied with a smirk.  
"Oh. Carry on, then." Neville said sheepishly.  
"DAMN RIGHT!"  
Anyway, Hermione was not going to give Ron any chance to whine at her. It was a Hell only matched by the notoriously ugly Franken-Beaver. Westley, too, did not want to be a prisoner of this frilly schoolgirl.  
"Really, girl, you're sweet, but-" he didn't get past that far. When he spoke, Lavender turned to watch his sweet lips move, forgetting that she held the sword. When she turned, the sword slashed across his torso. And according to the author, that made him die with relief.  
"Nooooooooooooo!" Lavender wailed. But before she could attack his now-defenseless body with kisses, it vanished.  
"So," Dennis repeated from the doorway, "Who was that?" 


End file.
